As we continue with the heart chakra work on this Love your WHOLE self chakra journey, we’re looking at co-dependence. Read on to find out what it is, how you can start to heal, the Mick Devine interview and some inspiration from Space Cadet in the latest Sofa Sessions post…
I often encourage yoga nidra participants(ACCESS SEVERAL FOR FREE HERE) to imagine themselves as a star in the galaxy, a drop in the ocean, a blade of grass in the meadow etc etc – completely unique, complete and whole on their own AND part of something much greater than themselves. Remembering this distinction can help with co-dependence.
What IS co-dependence?
In a nutshell, many of us (especially those raised female) have been conditioned to anticipate and attend to others’ needs often at the expense of our own.
This doesn’t bode well for ANY relationships as if we’re consciously or unconsciously ignoring our own needs, they’ll make themselves known in unhealthy and increasingly (depending on how long we keep suppressing and repressing them) noisily.
This list is far from exhaustive (although it can feel exhausting to be co-dependent and to be dealing with others’ co-dependence) but some symptoms of co-dependence include:
- not knowing how you are without knowing how _____ is
- resentment that ____ doesn’t appreciate you putting them first
- anxious and controlling behaviour because you have been conditioned (often from infancy – it runs deeeeeep) to attempt to create safety for yourself and others by ensuring everyone is OK – the tend / befriend stress response can be a wonderful collaborative way of navigating life but it can also come from a placatory or even fawning place
- being unable to even identify let alone express how you feel and what you need and want (and feeling enormous guilt over having any needs and wants)
- overdeveloped sense of responsibility for others’ wellbeing. I know how this sounds but I spent DECADES thinking my name – Eve – was the reason I used to feel so utterly responsible for the welfare of everyone on the planet. Understanding more about co-dependence and letting it come up for healing was life changing. I’ve since met other Eves who never even considered themselves to be responsible for anyone else on account of getting us (humanity) kicked out of the Garden of Eden…
- enabling others’ bad / addicted behaviours and making excuses for them (tough love can feel incredibly harsh and yet not trusting loved ones or others to be able to take care of themselves is disrespecting their autonomy)
- taking the blame in order to keep the peace (which of course, in these situations is far from actually peaceful)
- deeply needing others’ approval.
Typing this, I’m remembering one of the many schools I went to and how I wasted my three years there hoping day after day that my “friends” would be talking to me. Some days they were and other days they weren’t and they’d “stop” others from talking to me too.
As I moved to a different school and healthier friendships, I began to wonder what had possessed me to focus so much of my energy and entire being on hoping these mercurial girls would like me.
All I can say now is that thankfully, that painful experience (I’d think, maybe if I use this PEN, they’ll be nicer, maybe if I x, y and z) ultimately brought an enormous amount up for healing.
If you recognise yourself in any of these symptoms, the good news is that you CAN recover. You deserve to heal.
And if you recognise anyone else in this list, it might be an advanced practice for you to stay in your lane and focus on your own needs, wants and responses unless they’ve actively asked you for support with this in which case feel free to share this post with them.
Co-dependence is one of the many issues the Embodied with Evei online community can support you with if you’re interested – let me know if you have any questions and email Circle to eve@selfcarecoaching.net to book your free spot on the next one:
I hope you enjoy the latest Feel Better Every Day Podcast episode 30 with Mick Devine, an addiction counsellor and Clinical Lead at the Tabor Group in Cork.
You can listen on your favourite podcast app (including Spotify, Apple and Substack) and watch on YouTube – subscribing via your preferred method not only supports my work but means you’ll be sent notifications (depending on the settings you choose) for each new episode. They’re currently being released each Thursday morning at 7am (Irish time) but there’ll be a break between Season 1 and (am already looking forward to it) Season 2.
Co-dependence is often a factor in addiction and it’s something that can be healed even though it can be really hard. Mine STILL crops up from time to time (and I’ve been sober since 2001). Am FINE being co-dependent with the cats (I even wrote about this in the book, 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing) but am way more boundaried with humans.
Unsolicited advice is always criticism
I remember seeing this message on a meme a couple of years ago and it was like a punch to the gut. Of COURSE it is. There’s an enormous difference between solicited advice, where we actively ask for someone else’s opinion and guidance and, well, pure criticism.
Some of my loved ones still struggle with this, even though I set and maintain healthy(ier) boundaries as lovingly and clearly as possible but the difference the improvements I’ve made have made in my life are phenomenal.
You can learn to work with that co-dependent part of yourself too and not only will the relationships worth keeping improve but your most important relationship will too (vegan cheese alert): the relationship you have with yourself and with your Self. That highest, wisest, truest, wildest, most joyful, brilliant and miraculous part of yourself.
Several older posts can help you with this and you might want to start HERE with some life lessons from Ginger the wonder dog
You are NOT too much. You ARE enough. And you are exceedingly lovable. Now go find / appreciate the people who see you and love you exactly as you are.
“We’re all stardust”
And the latest Sofa Sessions post has a co-dependency link as Emma Roberts’ character, Rex, gave up her full scholarship to an excellent university because her dying mother asked her to take care of her father.
I mean, talk about an advanced practice in terms of prioritising her own needs in the midst of such enormous grief and loss. I LOVE this link with the film because it’s so easy to write off co-dependence and those who create it in others (ie primary care givers) and yet there is real genuine love there too and the relationship between Rex and her mother is a huge resource for Rex even 10 years on.
Space Cadet is officially one of my all time favourite films for many reasons (and in spite of a couple of scenes which vegan me struggled with).
I hope you enjoy the whole film or at least this short video about how you might take inspiration from it:
Healing our co-dependent tendencies isn’t about cutting people out of your life or doing anything dramatic (in most cases) but simply beginning by asking yourself, “What do I want? What do I need?”
Let me know how you get on (if you want to!) and if you’d like my support with boundaries, making your dreams a reality and/or thriving after trauma, get in touch
le grá,
